Cybersex
by Settely
Summary: Who are you really in love with? A past idea or the person before you, Major? Kaidan/MShepard, ME3 SPOILERS


_**SPOILERS AHEAD  
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>AN: To tell the truth, I'm really happy with the outcome of MShepard and Kaidan's romance in ME3. Beautiful dialogues, believable change of attitudes, heck the cinematic scenes themselves! I'm kinda disappointed when it comes to the topic concerning Ceberus' reconstruction process however. Kaidan kept on moaning and groaning about it in the beginning and yet forgot all of his doubts in the captain's quarters (truthfully, heavy risk but the priiize). Although, you know, his answer to Shepard's insecurities while watching Project Lazarus vidlogs? Left me totally tear-eyed.  
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><em>Hope the endings do explain themselves with time and everybody gets a happy ending their deserve. <em> _  
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><p>John had the most alluring blue eyes he had ever seen, apart from those of the asari dancers. They promised things, from serenity mixed with battlefield through pain accompanying bliss to anguish intertwined with happiness. Their colour was not perfect, resembling rather stormy clouds than clear ocean or anything as clichéd. To tell the truth, they were not even blue, rather grey or hoary at best.<p>

And in-between the sclera and the pupil, the Devil himself lived, smiling in the man's laughter, fulfilling dreams with a flicker of his hand, dreams never really depicted as real before.

"Enjoying yourself, Major, aren't we?"

"Looks like you're doing fine job of it as well, Commander." The lips were sweet, honey-coated with possible future and joy, the two granted just for a while and yet too promising not to dwell onto.

There were defined muscles lining just millimetres underneath the man's leather jacket and grey T-shirt, silver veins marking the body with their rivers and toned islands of blemished with moles skin coming into view. Warmth was spreading between them, from the tip of his toes to the flushed forehead and the smile Shepard's face was nearly breaking in two with.

John's. It was and always would be John now. John Shepard. The name suited him, no matter how ordinary and common for such a man it sounded.

"I've been waiting my whole service on the first Normandy for this, you know." Kaidan chuckled into the crook of the man's neck, nipping at the sweaty flesh before him. He was drunk with happiness and giddiness. "Haven't thought the dream would ever come true though, huh."

He felt John tense slightly in his embrace, withdrawing ever so cautiously to look him in the eye. The cold light accentuated his features, underlying delicate freckles and wrinkles all the time of being in constant alert had already left behind. His lips were red, swollen already in the middle somewhat.

By God, was the view gorgeous. The alcohol hummed gently in the back of Kaidan's mind, a good sip of whiskey always bringing rather positive outcomes to everything. Good thing he had brought the bottle with him after all. Now it stood somewhere on some table but it had proven its worth. In the end, when something would have had gone differently, he would have had still something to keep his mind on track. Nevertheless, John was a much better purpose to live for than the quest of finding the bottom of a glass for eternity.

John studied Kaidan with an unreadable expression for a long moment, a thing not so uncommon for him.

"Has it all been worth the wait then?" He grazed the other's gaping shirt and vest, the material rough and easily crumbling under the fingertips. He diverted his sight off to the side with a sigh. Regret could be easily heard in his voice, the emotion seeming out of place and yet only fitting. "Don't say anything. Sometimes I am more of a bloody blind man than it is healthy for anyone, I guess."

He glanced sideways at the bared chest before him, as if debating with himself whether to touch it or leave everything to rest. Finally he started withdrawing from the couch and the arms that had kept on holding him close. "I- I'd better read the memos once again. Thanks for the, uhm, nice evening."

Did Kaidan really have to babble like an idiot the first time they had each other only for themselves, something he had thought only possible in belated teenage fantasies? Damn it, good job smooth talking, Alenko. You should make a degree in the field one day with all of your expertise.

"Hey, not so fast, Shepard. I mean- John. John?" The man examined Kaidan, his lips moving breathlessly while the other entwined their fingers once again. There were question in his eyes, millions of them that should have been asked a bit earlier, should have been answered days ago and later cherished. Now, looking from such a perspective, hadn't they rushed all of the things too much? Maybe the whole idea of surprise based on knowing each other for more than three years already hadn't worked all that well in the end? "Have I hurt you with I said?"

John shrugged his jacket off, glancing fleetingly at the material while it was streaming down the side of the couch onto the floor. He sat within easy reach, his thighs still surrounding Kaidan's. He grimaced and then sighed once again.

"Would you have still wanted me these three years ago if I had been the way I am now?" His face was tense when he rubbed it with tired fingers. He averted Kaidan's terrified look and seemed not to notice the arms that suddenly seized him bone-crushingly and brought close. Shepard continued, his voice monotonous and blank like a sheet of newly bought paper. "Just what you said then. Half a robot, half a man. Maybe a husk. A full time cyborg."

Kaidan closed his eyes tightly when the man embraced him back, whispering, "Who am I now? Who exactly am I to you, Kaidan?"

"You're real." It was everything he could muster his courage to say. He had been so stupid. Full-time happy endings happened only in books and clips from old movies kids tended to look for on the Extranet. Such ignorance and it was all and only his own fault. "You're Commander John Shepard and you are here in your quarters with me."

Shepard did not say anything back. He lied motionlessly in the same exact spot he had been tugged into, not really registering anything in particular. For a moment Kaidan thought he might have fallen asleep.

"I know I repulse you. The body I have had no control over for about two years. The brain The Illusive Man could have chipped and chopped whenever he felt like it." The man chuckled humourlessly finally, his hot and strained breath delicately tickling Kaidan's skin. "For all I know, I might have been indoctrinated the whole time I was aboard the second Normandy as well."

"I never said anything like the things you mentioned, both of us know that."

"Huh, maybe you didn't but it's not that hard to figure out what was going through that head of yours the first couple of weeks. Or has been going even this very second." The bitter tone was biting then and it was one of the moments Kaidan thought how much damage his lack of faith had really done. "I am not an idiot, Alenko, no matter how many times The Council wanted to prove it otherwise."

"Then why do you insist on asking such idiotic kind of questions?" Anger began to bottle up, slowly rising from within the fear and the mess that clouded better judgment. Kaidan found himself running restless fingers onto the other's clothed back and arms. He wanted to embrace John even harder, closer than it was humanly possible, to lose track of time and mind. "What do you want me to say? That I've always wanted only your body and now that it has changed with time and reconstruction after the catastrophe, I'd hate to look at it? That you were never a person but just some figure of speech expressing what every soldier would love to have on their have-scored-list? Does the winning answer look like any of these?"

Kaidan moved away, resting his elbows on the headrest. He didn't have to wait for John's reaction for too long. The man took one of his hands and brought it onto his chest. The rhythmical beating underneath the clothing was faint but steady, feeling a bit like bird's wings stroking the air while in flight.

"I hope that this is human enough for both of us."

He smiled, looking up into Shepard's glistening eyes. Their colour was then that of the ocean.


End file.
